The Bachelorette recap: Ken you forgive him?

Welcome back to Charity's "journey" to find "love"! This week on The Bachelorette, a guy who's barely spoken four words got a one-on-one date, and our queen once again spent way too much time worrying about Brayden.

Let's recap!

There are just 14 men left as week three begins. Man, time flies when you're hunting for a husband on television. The guys are hoping for a quiet, drama-free week after Brayden's meltdown over the record-breaking kiss date in episode 2. But on The Bachelorette, saying anything like "I just want to put the drama behind us" is akin to saying "Candyman" five times into a mirror — it's not going to end well.

On the plus side, our Bachelorette looks amazing.

Another impeccable motorcycle jacket! Charity arrives at the mansion and informs the men that this show is going on the road to Oceanside, California. Thirteen of the men will be traveling by bus, but the Bachelorette will be bringing one lucky suitor with her on a helicopter. How exciting! Oh, wait — she's taking Brayden on the one-on-one date? Way to be subtle, producers.

As Charity and Brayden climb into the helicopter, the Bachelorette explains via voiceover that she's still upset that Brayden considered leaving. She's hoping to use this one-on-one date to find out if this experience is "too much" for him, or if he's truly ready to find "love." Back on the ground, the men raise their middle fingers in the air as the helicopter flies over the mansion.

Holy shitake mushrooms! Did Charity and Brayden's helicopter just land in San Diego's Petco Park? Of course it did! They've been teasing this date in the promos for weeks. "Me and Brayden have the whole park to ourselves," says Charity. "I'm trying to make him feel at ease because he's from here, this is a team that he supports." Girl, why are you trying to make him feel anything other than lucky to be with you? Lovingly, I must say that if your goal is to stop settling for men who are not worthy of you, this is not the way to do it.

Anyhow, out comes the Swinging Friar, the San Diego Padres' mascot, bearing personalized jerseys and other assorted gear for Charity and Brayden.

They start playing catch. Things are going great. But just as Brayden starts telling Charity a story about the time he and his dad were playing catch and his dad accidentally broke his nose… the universe decides to send Charity a message.  

That's right, Swinging Friar! Time to eject Brayden from the game! (More importantly, Charity and her nose are perfectly fine.) Despite this hiccup, Charity and Brayden are having a great time. "We're just so in synch with each other, being stupid and fun and playful," says the Bachelorette. "He's very attractive, so it's like, that's a plus."

The more we get to know Brayden, the more it seems like those good looks are the only plus about him. As they sit in the middle of the baseball field (diamond? whatever) and chat about their "relationship," Brayden talks about how hard it is to deal with the fact that Charity is dating other guys. [Insert scream of never-ending existential frustration here] The Bachelorette understands, but she also wants a partner who will be willing to "fight" for her when things get hard. "If I feel like I'm having this connection with a person and they're not meeting me there, that's, like, scary," she replies.

The way I yelled "F--- this guy!" at my screen, rose lovers. You deserve so much better, Charity. Fortunately, though, the Bachelorette is determined not to repeat old patterns. "This time I won't ignore the concerns or the red flags that I see early on," she insists.

Back at the Seabird Hotel: Knock knock knock! There's an Accent Table of Doom at the door!

Joining Joey on the group date: Aaron B., Michael, James, Caleb, Aaron S., Sean, Xavier, Tanner, Adrian, Dotun, and John. Wait… does that mean Warwick gets the one-on-one? The guy is adorable, but I don't think we've seen him speak to Charity since night one. The other men are equally confused. "I love Warwick as a person, but he's so quiet," says John. "Maybe she hasn't had enough time with Warwick, and she wants to see if he stays or goes." Whatever the reason, this might be the first definitive proof we've ever had that producers don't choose the dates for the Bachelor/Bachelorette.

The dinner portion of Charity and Brayden's date also takes place in the middle of Petco Park. On the menu tonight: Beer and… assorted baseballs?

Mmmm… leather. At "dinner," Brayden decides to Open Up™ about why this process makes him so nervous. "I've had a relationship where I was cheated on," he says. "I was so put down and so small… I don't ever want to experience that again." Still, he's trying to force himself to be okay with that "trauma" so he can explore things with Charity. "I just don't know how to let it go," he adds. When she asks if he thinks he can make it through the rest of this "journey," he promises to "continue to try" and "do the best I can to really stick this out." To drive that point home, Brayden pulls out a Sharpie and writes a message for Charity on a baseball: "You're worth trying for." And she LOVES it. You know what comes next, rose lovers.

Cue the fireworks!

It's group date time, and today's activity is brought to you by the letter S, for "synergy"! You see, there's this movie coming out — you may have heard of it — called Barbie, and it's produced by Warner Bros. Pictures. Also produced by Warner Bros.? The Bachelor franchise! Which leads us to this:

That's Barbie co-star Simu Liu (or "Marvel's Simu Liu," as fans of The Other Two know him), sharing a recorded message for Charity and the guys on the group date. "I really want you all to put it all out there, because let's face it — Charity is worth it!" he says. "Charity, I'm really rooting for you." Awww, that's sweet, Simu Liu.

"Successful Bachelorette Couple" JoJo and Jordan are also there serving as hosts. Jordan explains that on today's date, the guys will write a song for Charity — just as Ken writes a song for Barbie in the movie. Double synergy! And they're going to be dressed in some "classic" Ken lewks while they do it. Triple synergy! For example, here's Caleb as "Cowboy Ken."

And yes, he did just refer to that coil of rope as a "whip." Poor John the data scientist somehow wound up in the flesh-colored unitard as "Birthday Suit Ken" — "I had male genitalia an hour ago, and I currently do not" — while Tanner is Ice Skater Ken, while Xavier is… "Sugar's Daddy Ken." (A quick Google search reveals the hilarious backstory to "Sugar's Daddy Ken," which was a real doll.) And look how adorable Dotun is as "Astronaut Ken"!

It's the blonde Kris Jenner shag for me.

The men spend some time crafting their songs — all of which will be set to the tune of "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" — and then take the stage, one by one, for the Bachelorette Barbie Beach Concert. What follows is a montage of terrible (though heartfelt) karaoke. Here's the only image worth retaining:

"Birthday Suit Ken, John looks like a big sperm to me," notes Tanner. "Poor guy."

We get a break from the caterwauling with Caleb, who has a very nice singing voice. Then it's back to the atonal agony with Sean, aka "Double Denim Ken," but he wins the crowd over by ripping off his denim vest and pulling the Bachelorette onstage for a smooch.

"That's the confidence I'm looking for!" gushes Charity. She chooses Sean as the winner, which means he gets to spend some "special" one-on-one time with her on the pier. Even though the other guys will still get to hang with the Bachelorette at the after-party, they're feeling very salty about Sean's win. "If you want a pretty boy, go chase after Sean. But look at me, I'm a f---ing man," grouses Aaron S. "He'll take you shopping, country clubs, and wine and dine. But if you want a real-life man who knows how to camp, fish, hunt, water ski, wakeboard, all that stuff, then yeah, hit me up." Pssst, Aaron S.! Your toxic masculinity is showing.

The men are still solemn as they gather at the Mission Pacific Hotel for the after-party. Then Sean strides in, belting out his Barbie song, and the mood gets even worse. "Sean, are you an only child?" asks Aaron S. with a snide edge to his voice. "Like, the whole way you walked in here, have a slice of humble pie, bro."

Oh, thank goodness, Charity is here. Now everyone will cheer up! Crap, I spoke too soon. Sean, are you seriously pulling Charity first, even though you just spent a bunch of alone time with her? Reminder for contestants: YOU ARE ALLOWED TO SAY NO TO THE PRODUCERS. Even though you're on a reality TV show, you're still a human person with agency. Feel free to act like it.

Anyhow, the guys are PISSED.

When Sean gets back to the holding pen, Adrian jokes that the group has decided he no longer has a right to sit on the couch. "I get it, boys," says Sean with a laugh, as he takes a seat anyway. But James — another guy we haven't heard much from — is still very, very annoyed. "Do you get it?" he shoots back. "I haven't talked to her since last Tuesday. You just were rude… If I go out of here and I don't get a moment [with her], I'm going home, man." Sean says he would feel bad if that happened, but it's cold comfort for James. "That's gonna feel great when I'm on the plane, man," he grumbles.

From there, the one-on-one chats begin in earnest. John, Michael, and Tanner choose to ignore the drama and focus on having positive interactions with the Bachelorette, and then Charity brings Dotun to her room so they can have a conversation that is "a little bit more intimate." He LOVES it. "Thank you! I feel so special right now!" he says. "And that's so hard for me to feel, to be honest." He goes on to tell Charity how "competent" she is, how he feels like he could learn so much from her, and how she might truly be his "ideal woman."

And the thing is, rose lovers, Dotun says all this with complete and utter authenticity. You can tell he really means it. So can Charity, who starts tearing up during their conversation. "I don't get told stuff like that a lot," she says. "There's something about it that really touches my soul." UGH I LOVE THEM SO MUCH. Can we just end this "journey" now and give Dotun the final rose?

Sadly, no. But at least Dotun gets the date rose.

Welp, it's time for the most puzzling one-on-one date of the season so far.

"I haven't had that many conversations with him," says Charity of Warwick. "But obviously I'm physically attracted to him. I've been waiting for this one!"

Though it may look like these two are headed to the opera or some fancy restaurant, instead the limo takes them to Belmont Park, which has been closed for the night just for them. That's right — they'll be riding the merry-go-round, cruising around in bumper cars, and screaming their lungs out on the roller coaster, all while sporting formalwear.

"We're definitely vibing," says the Bachelorette. "I want to know more." Alas, the vibes start to die down once Warwick and Charity get off the rides and it's time to make actual conversation. The pauses are long and awkward. And Warwick doesn't even offer to scoop Charity's ice cream for her when they stop by the malt shop. "It's a little disappointing," she says with a sigh. When they sit down to eat their frozen treats, the only sound breaking the silence is the crunch of their waffle cones.

"I think it's going well with Charity," says poor, clueless Warwick during his confessional. "But amusement parks make me tired." What a coincidence, buddy — this date is putting me to sleep, too!

It gets even worse when the Bachelorette tries to get Warwick to talk about his past relationships. "Um, yeah, so, like, two relationships," he mumbles. "And like, it just didn't work out for whatever reason." Um, okay. How about this: What are some positive things you bring to a relationship, sir? "Um, I don't know… I guess, just being together, I guess." At least Warwick is self-aware about a few things: "A weakness of mine is, like, communicating." You don't say?

The Bachelorette, like everyone watching this episode, is suffering.

Finally — after what seems like an eon — Charity sends Warwick home. "I can't afford to hand out roses just because you're cute," she tells us. Warwick, meanwhile, is so exhausted by the amusement park that he can barely keep his eyes open during the Reject Limo exit interview. "We were just on two different pages," he says, rubbing his eyes and yawning. Within a minute or so, he's asleep.

The next morning, the guys are sitting around the hotel listening to Brayden perform his inner monologue out loud. They're all only half-listening until Brayden utters this bombshell: "The thing that's hard for me that I'm not sure I can do is like, getting engaged after just dating with 20 other dudes. I mean, I know I could for sure date her after this experience. For me the only thing that's going to be hard is to be 100 percent, I can 100 percent get down on a knee after this experience."

Now you've done it, pal. This is The Bachelorette — logic and common sense have no place here! If you're not ready to get engaged to a woman you've known for barely two months — and probably were only alone with for about 24 hours during that whole time — then this is not the "journey" for you. And you better believe someone is going tell Charity all about this breaking news at tonight's cocktail party.

It won't be Joey, who uses his time with the Bachelorette to share some letters his grandfather wrote to him before he passed away. And it won't be Xavier, who brings Charity a blanket (shawl? thick scarf?) he knitted for her. Nor will it be Brayden, of course, who spends most of his time with Charity pressing his lips to hers.

Finally, it's Aaron B.'s turn. "My connection with Charity is strong," he says. "I want to tell her what Brayden has been talking about, because if I don't, no one else will." All right, sir. The floor is yours.

"He is not ready for an engagement," he says. "He's been very vocal around the house about just not wanting to be here, not wanting to be with someone who's dated 20 of his friends." Of course, Aaron assures Charity that he is here for the Right Reasons™ and that he just wants to "look out" for her. Charity is very bummed by this new information. "I'm irritated times a million!" she vents. "I don't have time to continue to deal with foolishness!"

When he gets back to the group, Aaron B. immediately tells Brayden that he ratted him out. The travel nurse tries to stay calm in the moment, telling his rival that he's been as "transparent" as possible with Charity about his position. But later in his confessional, Brayden gets heated. "Your ego got stressed because you don't have [a rose] on your chest, and so you want to throw me under the bus!" he bellows, a drink sloshing in his right hand. "Dude, like, what you did just now was not cool!"

The more Charity thinks about it, the angrier she gets. "To hear that he doesn't know how he feels about his potential wife dating [other guys] — then why the hell are you here?" she fumes. "You that you were not about to be the only man here. Why are you here?" She even threatens to take Brayden's rose away: "I will rip that s--- off."

[Chanting] Do it! Do it! Do it!

Charity pulls Brayden aside and tells him how annoyed she is. "He's going to talk his way out of this, because that's what he does," predicts Tanner. And indeed, that's what Brayden does. He reminds Charity that he told her during their one-on-one date that he's not sure yet if he could get engaged at the end of this. Brayden also insists that the guys who are claiming to be ready don't really understand the "gravity" of an engagement. The Bachelorette seems more irked that he told the guys he didn't like the idea of her dating other men. "You knew what this was!" she says. He has an answer for that, too. "I knew what it was, but it's not easy," he replies. "I think that if anything, my hesitancies are more real than what anyone else is expressing."

On the one hand, Charity says she understands how hard the situation is for Brayden. On the other, she really seems to want him to say that he wants to get engaged at the end. And Brayden isn't willing to go that far. "I can definitely tell you I can give you a connection," he says. "But that's all at this point that I know I can give you."

Meanwhile, back in the holding pen, the other guys are scolding Aaron B. for meddling — which means they're going to get less time. "That kind of hurt me, because now she's going to tackle that," says Tanner. "I truly wanted her to have a fun night, and now she's pissed off about Brayden again." James, too, is almost certain he won't get any time with Charity yet again. "At this point, I can't do anything about it," he says grimly. As if on cue, in walks Jesse Palmer to deliver the bad news: Party's over, boys! Charity is feeling "conflicted," after hearing some very "concerning" news.

While the men line up for the rose ceremony, Jesse asks Charity if she's "seriously considering" taking Brayden's rose away. The Bachelorette says yes. Dare to dream, rose lovers!

Rose ceremony roll call: Aaron B., Caleb, Xavier, Joey, Michael, John, Sean, and Tanner join Dotun in the Circle of Safety™. As for Brayden, Charity decides to keep him — though she does make him sweat a bit by walking out of the rose ceremony for a few minutes at the end. Instead, we must say goodbye to James, Adrian, and Aaron S. I'm sure we'll see at least one of them in Paradise, though.

Week three is over, and like Warwick, I'm exhausted. Here's hoping that it doesn't take Charity too much longer to realize that Brayden is not the guy for her. Who are you rooting for, rose lovers? And do you see anyone with Bachelor potential? Let me know on Twitter @KristenGBaldwin.

The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 9 p.m. on ABC.

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